September 27th, 2007

do I laugh or do I cry

(no subject)

Soooo... I could really use some advice.

It's late, and I can't sleep, which is probably why I'm posting instead of doing something sane like just coping with it, b-but hey. I figure there's the chance, with all the characters that all these people have played, that someone else has had a similar problem and can advise.

So, during the time that Alec's app was up, I was under some stress, both in game-related ways and in RL-related ways -- nobody's fault but mine, I know, but there it is. It was a hard app with a very borderline period and some intense analysis in the comments from voters (reasonable, again, but stressful!), there was other stuff going on, and a move and financial/job-related troubles, and loss of worldly goods, and post-con blahs and a dozen other things, and it all added together to mean that during that day that my app was up I was totally miserable and not coping with life well at all, etc etc.

Well, things have cleared up on all ends, but it feels like a, I dunno, pall that's accompanied my play of Alec. Like, I love Alec in the books -- I adore him and Seregil, and I enjoy playing Alec and think I've found a good voice for him. But I'm not comfortable; I feel like on some level I've, I dunno, managed to associate the feelings from that bad day with playing Alec, so even while I like having him and enjoy playing him, there is always some level of stress that automatically happens, and a constant running mental separation. Which -- okay, weirdness time, but when I play I'm usually not thinking about how other people are viewing it; I assume my thread is being read, but I play from the other side and tune out the reader's presence. When I'm playing Alec, though, I'm constantly thinking how I look, and getting... I guess a kind of stage fright. Post fright? It's a really weird feeling even just having him because half of me is going "ee! Alec! :D" and the other have is going "O-oh god orz"

So... if anyone else has ended up in this mental state where they, like, associate stress or depression with having/playing a character, do you have any advice? How did you get past it, if you did? Just growing accustomed to the character's presence?

Also, I'm not sure what to do with the thieving/spying thing -- he doesn't steal indiscriminately, he's very much "having a target" sort of guy. Ie, he works on hire -- either as a "Watcher", sent to investigate by the Queen's top man, or as a thief-for-hire. He'd want to investigate the director and camp... but breaking into the director's office has been done before (many moons ago) and I'm pretty sure the director's office isn't considered 'inside' camp any more; she's inaccessible from the inside is how I usually see it. Other than that, I had hoped to bring out the Rhiminee Cat idea, but as of yet that idea's had zero interest. Which is fine, but does mean one less avenue for exploring the Nightrunner side that's IC and a regular canon habit of his. I don't want to neglect the Nightrunner side of Alec, because it's a big deal to him and a huge focus in the books, and without it I'm feeling kind of :/, but with the two most IC/natural choices being difficult in camp, I'm not quite sure how to handle it. Suggestions for that, too, are totally welcome.

Thanks in advance; I know this is a kind of weird bit of player "o-orz", and I'm grateful for anything anyone can suggest. :)